Whenever I feel anxious, I pick up my baby Elyse. I rest her head on my shoulder and I brush my face back and forth across her soft furry head. I breathe in her new baby smell of sweet milk and I kiss her smooth, warm cheek. Sometimes if I’m really upset, I’ll have her nurse. Her body against mine with its soft rhythmic breathing takes my thoughts out of the dark rabbit holes, and brings me back to living proof of God’s goodness.
God’s goodness through fears of suffering from another crippling depression during my pregnancy.
God’s goodness as we tried and tried, month after month, waiting for two candy pink lines.
God’s goodness when I was able to experience the joy and anticipation of sweet Elyse without the paralyzing sadness of my first pregnancy.
God’s goodness when my baby entered the world healthy, and whole, and beautiful.
When we enter a valley, Satan wants to trick us into believing that God isn’t with us. He deceives us with lies that we’re not enough; that God is punishing us; that what we do doesn’t matter.
But what if God brought us into this dark valley so that we could be drawn to his light?
A sweet friend sent me a beautiful message this week:
“These words of yours, have helped mold who I am as a mother. Your reflective, critical self, I find truly inspiring. Thank you for taking time to write your heart out on that keyboard. Like I said, you don’t know who you actually touch, and you don’t always need to know. I got some great advice recently; GOD KNOWS.”
These words of hers, they mean more than she knows. But God knows.
God knows who we are and what we’re going through. He knows our “innermost being.” He “knitted us together in our mother’s womb,” He “perceives our every thought.”
The days can feel monotonous, and tedious. Day after day we try to cultivate and plant seeds in our lives through our words, choices, and actions. But sometimes we look around us and the landscape looks barren.
We start to question God’s faithfulness. We start to question our own faithfulness to God.
But in those moments He whispers to us, “My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-11
That very God plants His light within us. He uses our dark places to create something beautiful. He “weaves us together in the depths of the Earth” and uses us to create beautiful things.
I didn’t do anything to deserve this beautiful baby girl that lays wrapped around my stomach right now. I couldn’t have earned her with the right words, or kind deeds, a vegan diet or by running a marathon. I couldn’t have bought her with wealth or power or the approval of others. Yet here she is. God’s precious gift, reminding me that God is the miracle worker.
And since its Christmas, it of course reminds me of another baby. God made flesh, to dwell among us. His mother embraced His small helpless body. That same body we would nail to a cross. People questioned the Father’s plan for Jesus’ life; they questioned if Jesus was the real thing or a fraud. But God knew the plan, and Jesus trusted.
In the same way, He calls us wait on Him to reveal the plan for our lives. Because “we don’t always need to know; GOD KNOWS” and thats enough.